So I’ve been wrestling with this overwhelming desire to just write and write my heart out, but my heart has been in so many different places these last few months that I wonder whether, if what I write will be the words of God, or the tired drone of this heart.
Spiritually and I spiritually because often we refer to Christianity as a religion, but for me religion conjures up these boring boring mental images of routine and boredom and a God that is limited by our rituals, hence why I say spiritually I haven’t flown as high as one could fly over these previous holidays.
I to be honest have lived these holidays out. Every ounce of them, been away from home most of the time, just enjoying taking off the shackles of university and all that comes with it. Been loving it, but spiritually one can easily forget about God, in the madness of holidays, in the rush God slips to the side.
Anyway felt like I should be honest with you before I say anything, just to show my humanity and show that side of me that I really don’t like advertising, the side that is weak and insufficient at times. But through God is so gracious, and its amazing how gracious he is.
Anyway feel like I’m babbling. So as I was saying in the beginning of this message I’ve been yearning to write but everytime I put my fingers on the keyboard, what once seemed like a very easy thing for me to do, felt like the complete opposite, it felt like I was grinding away, searching for the right things to say, the things that’ll stir your heart, make you wonder more about God. The whole time searching within myself for the words to say.
Anyway three weeks later I sit here and am typing a message, once again, trying to fathom what to say, what to share, what will move you. Tonight at church I listened to our preacher speak about “missing God” and not missing God in the sense that I feel like I miss God, but more like us missing God’s touch throughout the week, missing seeing what he has done. And this got me wondering, hang on now, maybe I have been missing what GOD wants me to write, what God wants me to say, and suddenly my whole perspective on writing changed again. Makes me think back to the message I sent you guys once, about the little child that kept on putting his hand in the light, stealing the glory.
Suddenly this mental block I’ve had, this writing block I have had, disappeared to into the nothingness of my own glory and his glory suddenly made me realise that this is all for his glory, and not for my own gratification. And the words just started flowing like this massive flood gate had opened and out which flowed the emotions and words of my King that I had so well bottled up, or closed off in sense.
So although this message may not be deeply profound, or deeply moving, or whatever you may have come to expect, its just the words of a guy that has wrestled with himself, wrestled with God, and come off second best, but in a way this coming off second best has made me realise that flip, God is awesome 🙂